Losing Precious Things

Losing Precious Things

A few days ago, I was sweeping out my carport. Since my house faces north, the wind is continually blowing the large leaves from the Sycamore tree onto the patio where my front door is, and into the carport. While I was sweeping I kept hearing this unusual bird song. One I was quite unfamiliar with. I hear Mockingbirds, Robins, Jays, Sparrows, but this one was unusual. I stopped and stood very still trying to pinpoint the location of this bird. Finally I see it, up high in the Oak tree that is in my front yard. The first thing I see is that it’s a bright green bird; Chartreuse is how I would describe it. It’s also a very tiny bird, but it’s making this wonderful trilling song. I stand and listen, enjoying every moment. I didn’t realize that my joy would soon turn to grief. But life’s like that, isn’t it? One moment all is well, and in the next instant the poodoo (Star Wars slang for sh** according to Jar-Jar Binks) hits the fan!

I finish sweeping then go inside and I begin cleaning out my cupboards. My oatmeal is musty smelling so I go out and scatter it around hoping the birds will eat it. Sure enough, the little green bird hops down on the ground to scratch around in the Sycamore leaves. I notice Sharon.....she’s like a midget in feline form...solid gray; not really a problem cat. She’s just a cat. I see her watching the little bird so I scoop her up and tell her “no, no!” and clap my hands to make the bird go back up into the trees before I put Sharon down.

Well, I’m sure by now you know where this is going. The next time I see Sharon she has the little green bird clenched in feline jaws. I begin chasing this cat around the house. Three times I chased her. I threw stuff, and got the broom after her, all to no avail. I couldn’t save the bird, though I tried. I thought if I could just get the bird away from the cat, it might still have a chance, but I couldn’t ever catch the cat. She eventually ran down into the wood behind the house until I couldn’t see her any longer.

Afterwards, I sat on the back porch steps and bawled my eyes out over the little bird that I couldn't save. It had given me so much pleasure and joy with it's song, I still don’t have any idea what kind of bird it was. I’ve been reading field manuals and looking online, but haven’t seen one JUST exactly like it. It may be an Orange-crowned Warbler or Golden-crowned Kinglet. I feel sure it was the male of the pair since he was so brightly colored. I was both saddened by the loss of this unique bird and angry at Sharon because she had taken away something that had given me joy: a bird with its beautiful song.

This week has been difficult. I lost something that was precious to me (not the ring from Mordor) ...but trust; and I don’t know how to restore it; I don’t even know if such a thing is possible. Sometimes things that are broken should remain that way....a testament to the fact that things happen beyond our control, for whatever reason, to be used as lessons we learn along the way. Me? I feel like I’ve been chewed up, spit out, and run through a meat grinder. I’ve always believed that if I lose, or fail, don’t lose the lesson; make it count for something. I’ve always believed that God puts people in my life for a reason. Not only that, but He doesn’t give me people I “want,” rather, He gives me people I “need;” whether to help them or help me, I don’t know...perhaps both.

Losing trust in someone is hard, whether it’s a lover or a friend. But I’ve had to deal with losing trust in a family member. Which is, in many ways, more painful than losing trust in a friend or lover. The bonds of friendship and lovers can be broken, but the bond of family is eternal. I've sat in places in the past two weeks that I truly never expected to sit in. Naïveté on my part I suppose.

I’ve always believed in the redemptive power of love. I attended “Beauty and the Beast” ballet this past weekend, and I enjoyed it.....but does love really have the power to transform a beast into a man as fairytales would have us believe? Sure, God changed a man into an ass, but can love change an ass into a man worthy of such love? I’ve always believed it possible, but I’ve never witnessed it myself. My love sure wasn’t of any redemptive benefit to my ex-husband. He never changed; hasn’t yet and it remains doubtful that he ever will.

Reconciliation 1.0

~If I owe someone amends it is my responsibility to give it; I cannot make someone forgive me. Whether they accept my apology is their choice, and theirs alone, to make. I can’t force them to accept it.

~Just as I can’t force someone to forgive me, neither can I make someone apologise. If I feel I have been wronged it is my responsibility to relay that umbrage to them truthfully, yet without the expectation that they’ll apologise. As with forgiveness, that’s their choice. Regardless of whether or not a person ever apologises, it is my responsibility to forgive them.

~I choose to live my amends one day at a time as I want my living amends to produce a change in behavior over time. This isn’t a one-time process nor a one-size-fits all. I struggle with forgiveness for my ex-husband. It is hard to forgive someone who physically and emotionally abused me for so many years in so many ways that sometimes I have to pinch myself to see if I’m dreaming. Time has a way of making the images blurry around the edges. But I lived it. I know I did and it was reality for far too long. Forgiveness for him is not even a daily thing...it’s more of an “every time I think of you, I ask God to help me forgive you” kind of thing. Of myself, I can’t do it. I still haven’t reached a place where I can pray for him.

~Making amends is a process of humility. For me, it’s quite often painful, especially if I feel that I’ve hurt someone whom I love. It is usually something I don’t want to do, yet I feel the need to do it. Even if I am not, technically, the one at fault, I’m usually still sorry that things happened as they did, when they did, etc. It’s scary as hell to expose all of my emotions, feelings, and thoughts to someone else and know that rejection is a possible outcome.

~Sometimes I may feel the need to make amends but the other person doesn’t see it that way. Either they weren’t hurt or offended and just think it’s ridiculous. It’s important to realise that I must also forgive myself. Some self-amends are forgiving myself for choices I’ve made in the past that led to the biggest mistakes in my life. I have to forgive myself for those mistakes and stop with the guilt trip. That gets me nowhere fast, except maybe in the black sinkhole of depression.

To end on a happy note, yesterday I saw another little green bird on the peach tree next to my house. I’m thankful for the small blessings each day...they give me hope that there is a path through pain and a light at the end of the tunnel, even if I can’t see it yet.

“Learn from yesterday, Live for today, Hope for tomorrow.”

Til next time,

~Starla